-Eat macaroni salad made by a really obese old white lady in rural Georgia.
-Listen to a Nickelback-themed Spotify station for an entire workday.
-Watch Homeland.
-Tell Donald Rumsfeld that he didn’t even do that bad of a job, he was just doing the best he could with what he had, you know?
-Hold a really mature dred in my upper lip like a mustache for at least 20 seconds.
-Ask Anthony Bourdain how he feels about Guy Fieri hosting “Minute To Win It.”
-Hang out with Wayne Brady on the set of the Dr. Phil show for 35 minutes.
-Make a comment on Reddit about how I’m a girl who isn’t into getting raped so much.
-Tell someone who works in a record store that I think Chris Brown’s latest album is a work of quiet genius.
-Listen to some guy I took an economics class with in college do his Sean Connery impression for one merciless evening.
-Ask Seth MacFarlane what his creative process is like.
-Tell Bruce Banner that no one even knows when “Community” is coming back, probably on Hulu next summer or something.
-Eat at P.F. Chang’s with a bunch of girlfriends who suggested it because, like, they have soy sauce and chili oil on the table instead of salt and pepper, and it’s such authentic Chinese, you know? Because Melody went on that mission trip to Beijing for a week in 2002, and she totally knows the real thing.
Just kidding. I fucking hate Klondike bars. PUT THAT SHIT ON A STICK.
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I would only do that stuff for a Krunch Klondike Bar. If it were regular, I’d rather have a Magnum Bar. Which I’d marry a hooker for. Obviously.