Uuuuuggghhhhhhhh tiny asparagus. I have suffered in silence for far too long, with a grill full of overpriced stems that have fallen through the grate, and sad piles of green threads next to a steak, and I cannot abide! I say nay to our country’s sick obsession with skinny (asparagus)! But seriously, enough of this outrageous tiny asparagus madness; it’s like eating vaguely pee-flavored straw, and I’m tired of my vegetables looking like Old Gregg’s hair.
I’m not sure which asshole TV chef put the idea that thinner is better when it comes to asparagus into the American consciousness, but that seems to be the only explanation I can come up with for the chokehold that the pencil-dick asparagus lobby has on the entire fucking grocery industry. I’m not entirely sure, but I’m putting my money on that douche cat Chris Kimball. He seems like he’d think it was a positively captivating schoolboy lark to make people think it’s a good idea, right after verbally abusing that chef lady on national TV.
Look, I get that thinner asparagus cooks quicker and is more tender, but this is why we snap the woody ends off of the regular-sized asparagus. So we don’t have to deal with sad, flaccid shoots slapping us in the chin like green, buttery porn star dicks while we’re trying to enjoy our gotdamn meal.
If I were one of those jerkoffs who writes for Slate or something, I would probably ask if the growing popularity of tiny asparagus is indicative of our country’s sick obsession with youth, but I’m not Katie Roiphe, so we’ll all just have to make do with my non-add-supported, semi-coherent ramblings.
But seriously, fuck tiny asparagus.